It's Been A While

A lot of things happened while I was gone.
It's been almost a month and a half since my last blog
I could try from the beginning this will be a long blog...

This feelings I have started about a month ago, when I was on my vacation in the Philippines
I took notes since I wasn't able to blog

02-14-11
It does flow perfectly,
long walk on the beach, under the moon and the stars in Boracay...

His favorite valentine song, Hopeless
I asked myself... why am I not trying to get with this man, my buddy, my partner for this trip???
I can't say he's perfect,
But i can say that he is the kind of person that I want to be with,
The kind of "man" you want to spend your whole like with
the kind that every woman wants
he is the kind of man that doesn't talk about sex or wanting to do me...
the gentleman that I want
The one that you see yourself with in the future
BUT
It's really hard to be with someone like that, when your heart is still broke
Still broken hearted
he said that I'm cold hearted, I'm not...
I just don't have a heart... I put my heart in a box and hid it in an invisible mountain
If I want him,
I don't know how to get him nor for him to like me
So far,
Everything about him, I like, but I can't do anything
I can only be a company or a friend,
because he's my brother's best friend, and we're on my family vacation...
I have a lot of things to think about and I don't want to initiate...

02-15-11
Philippine time 11:03am
He's all the way over there and I'm all the way over here...
I wish something will happen, but only time will tell and only he has the move
and/or maybe I just need to be more open in conversation or let it flow
6:40pm
Cebu... Lapu-Lapu, Magellan, Santo Nino
I sat next to him through out the whole bus ride, and I can tell when someone do not want to be close to you and flirty...
Especially in a crises when kids are following you and wanting money...
It sucks...
His posture, his words, the way he looked... was not a vibe that I would want...
I could take a hint
Well that was me trying to initiate some kind of a signal that I like him
and maybe have a date with him...
I tried and it didn't work
And hat is why my heart will remain in the pandora's box, surrounded in some chemical toxic, hidden in an invisible mountain, which can only be seen in by a special glasses...
Will never again try to do anything that will ruin my hope for true love
which i believe that there is still such things
On to the next and Keep MOVING Forward

02-16-11
7:13am
On our way to Bohol on a long dizzy boat ride
He didn't sit next to me and I say no more...
Still sucks that he's just going to be my buddy for this trip and I have to put up with it...
It's hard to think about him being just a friend, when I think possibly there could be more
We just going to be just friend...
Don't want to get my hopes up anymore
Keep Moving Forward
Guard is way way up
4:22pm
Tour ended... On our way back to Cebu
Saw the second ancient church... saw tersier animal very rare indigenous and saw chocolate hill
had lunch in a boat got serenaded with music while eating saw indigenous people...
And my feelings are still the same... still moving on... keep moving forward
I'm sloppy...
I hate when i get judge or get told on how I look... hate it
All I know is that I still need to work on myself...
I have to fix ME before someone will try and fix who I am

02-17-11
On the plane to Palawan
Busy morning people fighting in line...
People mean muggin us...
Evening
Underground river tour... 2 hour drive
made me kind of know who they are as person...
you don't want to assume sometimes
what the processes of their culture are...
learned how people can joke around and not to take it personally and learned how someimes people can just be a bitch about you
or what you have learned...
it's sometimes hard to explain

As far as love... there is none...
I'm starting to learn more about my culture, and still trying to figure out who I am...
can't fall in love
Don't know how to...

02-18-11
Island hopping again from Honda bay to snake island and pandanus island
meeting up with the rest of our family, which dinner will be hosted by mama Larly
eating at bulalohan place had bulalo and tapsuee with my whole francisco family
then Kareoke...
san can't take my eyes off of you and got 81 then a proposal from Raul to Ate Val
and then skybox for drinks

02-19-11
9:13am
on our way back to Manila for one more week of fun in the city where we grew up
someone told me that when I go to the philippines that I wouldn't want to leave...
ummmm they're wrong cuz at some point and sometimes you wish that you just want to get the fuck out of here...
life here is really hard, especially when you got it going on in America
Don't take everything for granted...
Live life to it's fullest...
people live in rich land but living so poor...
people here look happy working, they really work hard to survive...
Men here court women to go out they have respect for their women... in some cases...

He didn't say goodbye...
That was messed up...
I will never see him again...
Will I see him when i get back? who knows?

02-20-11
just got done partying in Republiq, Resort World, Manila
even though they didn't play my kind of music, our family still had a great time
I thought he would be there, cuz my cousins invited him
not going to assume anything
yeah!! just gotta keep telling myself to Keep Moving Forward

02-21-11
Tagaytay field trip and saw Mt. Pinatubo

02-22-11
went to Univ. of Philippines
beach house campus, famous BBQ on stick, ate dirty ice cream then ate fish balls
greenhills mall

I miss him... still thinking that there could be something but can't... or wont

02-23-11
went to bocaue to visit my grandfather's brothers and sisters' and their children and our second cousins
Tita lele said i looked like my dead brother Crishtian

02-26-11
Finally going back to US
I had a lot of fun
learned a lot about my family and individually
going to start a new life in a new city
......